Sunday, March 28, 2010

Dead people don't look good..

Well, I've lost count of the number of funerals I've been to of late and that tells a story in itself cause I don't even go to funerals unless it's a matter of necessity to console a family who means a great deal to me...

And I'm sorry but dead people don't ever look good in their chosen clothes in a fancy box with the lid open. They always have a funny yellowish blue grey color and they just look dead. Dead. Why do people like to look at dead people? Is it a wondering of what it's like to die? Is it to look death in the face?

I just see the absence of life and would prefer to remember them alive and mowing the lawn and drinking a beer in my driveway or bringing their kids over in Halloween costumes and taking happy pictures.

I will be burned or sit atop a mountain till I die and never be in an open box when my spirit has already left. I will be in a garden or off a cliff or in a river or lake or ocean or anywhere but with people gawking at my dead self. I mean, really.

Dead is dead is dead. There's no "oh, she looks so peaceful" about it.

And that's all I got to say about that.

On another note the sunset tonight was most amazing and right over the said dead person's house across the street. So Linda, that was a grand finale, and I'll miss you watching over the neighborhood and your obsession with a perfect lawn and your caring self and sittin in the driveway in the summer sippin a beer and smoking and watching the sunset.

Sorry you didn't get much time, my friend.

Will miss you.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Random Thoughts on a Cloudy Morning

Cloudy and grey so I'm going to take my grandpa's scythe and hack down some brush. The vicious nature of the healthcare debate here makes me want to whack at things. So much hate in the world. So much fear. So much ignorance. So much intolerance of change and visionary thinking. So many so blinded by too much privilege and arrogance and lack of humility. Saddens me. Doesn't anger me. Too much of that going round. Us vs. Them mentalities. What about We the People? People? Polarities and fanaticism continue to divide. Divide and conquer...hmmm, wonder if they think about that one? Of course not. The chaos is swirling and the vortex will swallow...or not.
Hope I get a life vest soon.

Me, I just ride and look at the sky and take deep breaths.
And laugh, whenever I can.

And hope. I refuse to lose hope that we will overcome and survive without destroying ourselves and our planet and our children's futures.

And I hope to get back to the mountains soon where all this noise goes quiet.

So I can remember the peace harbored in my soul.
And fly with the hawks and eagles on my horses.

And maybe find someone to love as a partner someday, one day.
That would feel good, really good.
But I'm ok on my own too...

It's all good.

I refuse to accept it's all bad.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

SUN day?

Sunday morning with no sun. Robin beating his silly head against my window, bang, bang, bang. Hung streamers and ribbons and plastic bags, but it doesn't stop him. EVERY year now for oh, at least 5. One off robin.

I wonder why people lie when it would make things so much simpler to be truthful from the start? Easier I suppose but really not at the end of the day. I am like the robin, banging my head against the proverbial window reflection. It's a reflection, an illusion, not the real thing.

Would love to go ride but it's so gloomy and drizzly.

Am thinking I will fly out west instead of trailering out to ride. So many logistics to hauling my horses out and back. Don't like to do it alone because so much can happen.  And I can work at the cattle ranch and ride their horses..not really work, play to me.

I'm not sure what's gonna happen next, but I'm open to what comes and the mystery is a good thing I imagine.

Have thus far resisted getting another dog. I want one. But I don't need one, or maybe I do but will wait for a time. Pet every dog I see. People must think me strange.  I don't mind. I love. That's who I am.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Ha! Who cares??

I do. The renewal of spring has powerful energy. I rode both my horses today. They felt it as much or more than I did, as did the deer leaping through the forest with bright white tails. First BLUEbird sighting and a spring blue sky, both breathtaking. Working my own body along with my horses..and feeling the pure bliss of a long winter's end. Life blooms, and oh, how hopeful it offers a soul broken...

I miss my dog more than the man I thought I loved...what's that say?

Time to sleep and nevermind, I reckon.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

When you leave home you remember why it's home..

Went to Florida for 12 days. Record low temps and rainfall. Of course. Still had fun seeing a girlfriend I've known for 35 years for her birthday. Had an accident and fell backwards off my countertop trying to peel wallpaper and sprained my leg and knee. Was in a wheelchair on the way down to Florida. Worked it in the sand and water. Walking now with only slight gimp. eeeesh. Nice to go away but always nicer to return home. Went to my horses and both of them wrapped their heads around my neck and shoulders. Sooo nice. Will start riding tomorrow and see how leg works. Happy to be home but hope to be back out west in a month or so for a few months.

Boyfriend from Montana who proposed to me already has a new woman living with him. Of course he does. Which is why I didn't want to marry him. He just doesn't want to be alone and doesn't care who he's with. Silly boy. Glad I didn't go forward with him though it still yanks at heart of course. By the by. That's life for ya.

Spring is near and a rebirth as always when you live in snow country. Everything, including oneself, comes alive in spring. Snow already gone.

I am happy to be alive. That's the best it gets.

Another funeral today and I'm exhausted from travel and being injured and overdoing. But will cowgirl up and go to visitation for the family.

And so it goes.
I'm home and safe and glad.