Monday, February 22, 2010

Mama's cookin

Well, first time I went out in two weeks to speak of was to my mom's house. She's 80. She gave me goulash and spiced pork and beans and chocolate cake and herb rolls. There's just something about mom's cooking that tastes better than anything else in the world. Doesn't matter what it is, finest restaurant in Europe cannot compare.

I find out Wednesday about my knee and will be glad to just know what to do or not do or what the ??? I'm not sure on my own. Sometimes I think it's just time that will heal it; other times I think, it's messed up.

So, we'll see.

Foot of snow last night, sticking to all the pines. Heavy snowman building snow. Wish I could play in it.

Time is passing. Miss my horses most of all. And struggling with sedentary, a lot.

so it goes..

Friday, February 19, 2010

Life lesson the National Debt, unfathomable number

So, I was peeling wallpaper off the kitchen wall that was oh, 26 years old. Hadn't really planned to do it as didn't realize there was glue left from where I'd already pulled paper off. Went down to help painter. Warm sponge, wet, peel. Climbing on counters. Do it to change lightbulbs. Know to be careful and go slow. Straddling stove and peeling last six inches. Left foot slips on wet counter and propels me backwards to the parquet floor. Slam. Fast and hard. Drove myself to hospital as painter is in more shock than I am saying, "oh, oh, it's really bad, what should I do?" Paint, I told him after I finished writhing on the floor moaning for a bad reason and wondering if I had a compound fracture and afraid to look.

Nothing broken but knee not sure about. Called vet who I trust more than most doctors and he says go in and have tendons checked etc as it can get worse and unfixable even though I can bear weight on it after a week now and am hobbling about. So go next Wednesday and hope I don't hear the word "surgery" and weeks to heal and therapy and blah, blah. This week has nearly driven me round the bend being immobile. I'm not good at hurt. Oh, nor patience either.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch in my head, I've gotten in touch with a guy who works several ranches near where I rode in Wyoming last summer. He's in Arizona near my favorite area now working as well. So my thought is maybe I'll have a place to go with my trailer in spring/summer to ride, ride and ride some more. That would be grand. And I may learn a bunch about wrangling and cattle ranching as well which pops my bubble and gets my heart racing and gives me hope past looking out the window and wanting to slit my throat if I have to sit here any longer.

There's so much I want to do and so many places to ride and see and so many adventures out there.

Is it spring yet?

Oh, and i dont know what the lesson is except Life Happens and then you get on with it.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

So this one time...

Redecorating my kitchen as what else does one do when snowed in for weeks at a time, closeted in greyness and white until all color and vivacity fades into some kind of lethargic pause? So I go to Home Depot to get paint and new counter samples. I imagined it was time as the counters have come loose and are 26 years old and dingy, like the winter.

So, the story does get more exciting...

I'm looking around at samples with my purse in the front of the cart next to me. Some guy with bright red short hair and some sort of weird outfit comes up and says, "I couldn't help but notice what a beautiful woman you are." Now perhaps if this guy looked like Clooney, sad to say, I might have responded differently, i confess, but this guy made the hair on the back of my neck stand up immediately, no hesitation. He emitted a very eerie and strange presence, without mistake. I immediately positioned myself away from the counter where I could not have manuevered anywhere...with basket blocking me from him and space to react or flee, one or the other. I did this reflexively and seamlessly and within seconds. I didn't flinch or show fear but looked askance and simply said, "Thank you" in an unmistakably off-handed and get away from me posture and acted as though I was averting my eyes back to the samples.

He came closer and said, "I wondered if you might go to lunch or dinner with me sometime."

Now I'm not happy. I wear my grandmother's wedding ring on my left hand just for this reason, not to be approached by men I don't know...that's one reason. The other is it's sparkly and I like it and it reminds me of my grandmother...but I digress.

I say emphatically, "No, not possible." I put one foot back just in case I need to kick him in a way that will disable him long enough  for me to retreat and quickly take my cart and start moving away.
He moves quickly, stealthily away in the other direction.

I find the nearest employee and tell them some weird red headed man is soliciting women in the store.
"Uh, ok. We'll tell the manager." WHATEVER.

I go to the checkout and tell the woman there. She just says, "oh that's horrible. I'm sorry that happened."


I just look at her. She says, "I'll call a manager."
By this time I have my keys out of my purse and between my fingers and tell her, "If this man pursues me into the parking lot, I'm going to take his face off."
"Ok" she says, looking at me like I'm nuts or something.

Well, sorry folks but I do NOT like someone coming into my personal space and who knows if he wasn't someone double teaming with someone else...etc. etc. Bunch of weird and calculating and scary folks out there.

I made sure I wasn't followed into or out of the parking lot. Sad to say, but it's necessary to watch your own back sometimes in these times.

And I live alone, so.....

I may have to get a CW permit.

Or a cabin far, far away.

This world is off its center folks.

I got your back, got mine?

Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Mystery Key

It's all about the mystery really. No one knows what life will bring. I only know that I have hope of more. More what? More closeness to one special person. More love to share. More adventures and new stories to experience and tell, or not. Winter sequestering gives one time to wonder. Sometimes too much time. One can only read so many books, watch so many films, entertain neighborhood children so long, visit Mom, clean house, cook because it smells and tastes good and relaxes me. I would like to think I was a good enough writer to write a novel but I don't know about that one. I have started a few times but only get so far and then get distracted and if I'm the writer and get bored, well, what about the reader then? So, I stop.

I am unsure of most things. The mystery keeps me wondering. What door opens, what window, what heart?
Where is the sun? Is there a sun? I haven't seen it for so long.

It all moves along so quickly. My students are grown and have kids of their own. My friends' children are really no longer babies but little people or even grown people. And the days just pass, blink, flash, gone.

I want more. I don't want to settle for less and know I won't. I want to feel my heart beat out of my chest again like when I was riding in the mountains or going somewhere I've never been before. I like the thrill of mystery and anticipation and I hang on tightly to hope.

Today mystery is the key.