She's not dead, yet...

My brother died at 26, some 30 plus years ago. I learned then that no matter how hard you try to hold the memories, they fade. Only certain images, flashpoints, remain. No telling what they'll be. I remember his laugh. I sound like him sometimes and hear him in my own expressions. I remember his eyes, deep and sometimes menacing, as older brothers can be. But I know, it doesn't matter how hard you hold on, the realness of their being slips away, piece by piece, year by year. And it doesn't get easier. People who tell you that lie. Yes, it changes...acceptance becomes necessary. But it isn't easier; it's only different.

I learned yesterday I am to loes a very close friend. Soon. I am already trying to stash memories like a squirrel preparing for a long, cold winter.

And so, I will record some of those memories here so they will remain for a time.

I was 18 the first time we met through a mutual friend.I had few friends in Tucson, having just moved there for college. I took her a handmade Easter basket and hid in in her garden.  She never forgot it and was delighted. We were instant friends...as doesn't happen very often.

She took me to Apache Lake to ski for the first time. She could ski and rip a rooster tail so far, I was amazed. I never learned to ski on a single ski. She looked great in her bikini and she fed me and taught me the ropes of "the lake". We slept in the desert sand. Temps at noon peaked over 100. I climbed under my truck in the dirt for shade. Eventually we figured out a black bag hanging up for warm shower water. We were young and the heat and dirt didn't bother us. We laughed, a lot.

The last time I was there I commented on her ruby and diamond ring, shaped in a heart. She was born on Valentine's Day. She took it off and handed it to me. She's far from rich but would give me anything. I tried to give it back but she wouldn't hear of it. She bought herself another one that's identical and we both wear them every day. I gave her a claddagh ring the next time I was there. Love, friendship and loyalty reign.

One of her favorite expressions is: "Doncha know?" She got it from another friend who died of cancer a couple years back, an old beau of mine.

So many friends gone...and to be gone. Fuck.

She always made great Italian food and could cook any wild game and make it delicious. Her husband is a big game hunter and has dead animals all over the walls. We laughed about that....

Her husband will say, "You're a fruit cake, but you're MY fruitcake." He loves her so. I feel so for him.

She gave birth to her son in Lake Tahoe. I taught him to read. Helped him learn to swim. Housed him the first time he left home in San Diego. He now has his own daughter and he is still like a son to me. I could cry for him...and will.

She and I went to an 1800's New Year's Eve party a couple years ago at the lake. She was Pocohantas and i was Miss Kitty. We danced and drank and watched the moon rise above the mountains.

In the morning. we got up before anyone else and the lake was like we'd never seen it in all those years. Glass, to the point you couldn't tell where the horizon started or ended or where land divided from sky. Here's a picture...and if you turn it sideways,  it becomes an alligator.
I love her so.

She is in hospital to be sent home. Nothing they can do.

I will see her soon. And I know she will live in the tiny caves of the mountains along with the peeny, teenie, weenie little Indians who live there that she used to tell all visitors about. And past that horizon, into the nothingness and all of everything.

And one day, I will join her there. Here...

When somedays become THIS day....

I was far away from home, knew few people, and did not have money to be home for Christmas. Mary Irene Bagolini, aka Mib or Mibbie, befriended me and I was not alone that year, nor ever again in regards to a true friend.

She is a master of stained glass art and I have examples of her work all over my house. She tried to teach me, but I did not have her skill. She took me to Apache Lake, which is to this day, one of my favored places for spiritual renewal and carousing and walking bars without spilling a drink or ashtray while being barely able to walk at all after a long day of water skiing and tipping one after the other in the hot Arizona sunshine.

Her son calls me his second mom. He lived with me in San Diego as a roommate and taught me to make manicottis.

She was Italian all through. And at the lake there is a mountain with a big M carved into it which we have all come to know as Mibbie Mountain.

Today she learned she would not live for another year and could barely speak to me and certainly will not remember it. So our someday we'll go to Italy will never happen. And someday became this day today. There will be only memories now.

Someday I will never see her again..but I will never forget how she made me laugh, made me feel loved in her presence, and how Christmas will always hold her spirit in my heart...

I am saddened but blessed. This was the last time we will ever go to the lake together, taken last summer.

Why write if no one reads...

Ah well, cause I like to write I guess. Time passes, yes, quickly, though I've learned to downshift some and take it in more slowly.

Christmas was a quiet affair, spent mostly sleeping, cooking, eating breakfast and snacks in bed, watching Tolkien, cuddling, napping...did I mention not getting out of bed except for Christmas dinner at mom's? I took Derby Pie, a delicious chocolate chip, chopped walnuts, bourbon, eggs, creamy mixture that you can only eat a smidgeon of. I forgot it actually and had to drive 20 miles back to get it and will be reminded of how I ruined dinner by being late for years to come, I am certain. But it was all good...

I got enough money to pay off bills and get new tires which I needed badly, having trucked over off road terrain out west, literal boulders I ran over to get to the tippy top of the Big Horns, 11,000 feet and my place of bliss with my horses having picnics overlooking faraway places without inhabitants and wonders such as Solitude Lake way down there in the depths of a canyon.

Sunny here and bitter cold and I have ear problems but I'm inside, warm and happy enough.

My Cowboy, Hans Anderson

Rodeo beaching it in December

I have a new man in my life, for about 4 months now. He lives a few hours away so we see each other on weekends. He is a farmer's son, from generations back and works in a stockyard....and wonders how he'll find propane to fuel his heat and gas to visit his new love...me. He is kind hearted, hard working, and dirt poor living in his grandmother's trailer with a cat named Harold and a blind and deaf Aussie cowdog named Jack who still wags his tail and rolls in the snow while my pup dances around him....said pup Rodeo is growing up fast and is now 9 months old.





Got lots of cards from old students, some telling me they've now been married for 20 years and the kids are in college. Life....it's amazing and quick.

I enjoy it all, mostly anyways.

Cheers to anyone passing this way and Happy New Year with all blessings.









Blog Bliss

I haven't been writing regularly. I think when I started noticing my posts not being so happy, I didn't want to spew.

And I get busy with life.

I had a musician friend I've known for 10 years come visit from Australia. Had a gathering and he played beautiful guitar and sang. He was JUST as I imagined him. Remarkable. Witty, talented, warm, easy to have around, giving, loving...a real friend. And we only connected online...for 10 years. He worked with some of my online students. I edited his dissertation. We exchanged and stayed connected. Through a marriage and divorce, children being born and learning to walk, moving and changing, and still connected through these wires and now in real time. Amazing. Nice. Bonus. Happy memories and more to come.

Now I am getting ready for my friend from England to come for Thanksgiving. She is the only "sister" I have ever had. Adopted. Friend sister. But family. Trust her with my life. Only see her once or twice a year if that.

Have been polishing silver, making placecards, setting the table, hanging shiny pretty lights as we will share our Christmas together so we don't have to mail international. It's gotten exorbitant...out of reach.

She makes the best cup of tea ever. Something about her making it...tastes totally different and gorgeous...ahh....

Anyways, spose to snow on Thanksgiving and I adore the FIRST snowfall. It makes me as excited as when I was a kid...still. "LOOK! It's SNOWING." And the world turns white and fresh and the air is cold and pure and my horses get fuzzy and warm to ride bareback. The woods go quiet.

I am happy.

I am alive.

I am blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving all, and happy every day.

Autumn raking and riding

colors at sunset out my back door

My truck and trailer, 52' long and I can lock, load, drive and fix it!

Last week I rode my horses from Lake Michigan to Lake Huron on the Michigan Trail Rider's fall color tour.I am never happier than when I am a-horseback in the middle of nowhere especially in autumn when the stroke of nature's hand has painted the trees in flaming colors.


Avoided many potential train wrecks along the way. Took a girlfriend who is a girlie girl and of no help. First night I realized I had forgotten my down blanket and it was 14 degrees. B with a shitload of rrrr's. Donned most of my warmest clothes and slept with the pup, Rodeo, between us. Still more than cold. Bucket water frozen solid. Malfunctioning water heater on trailer which I managed to fix myself by reconnecting a wire in that tangled mess under the cabinet. I am, as an understatement, a mechanical moron, but necessity is the mother of invention and I had at it and actually fixed it, a true blessing, that warm water and heat.

Then in the middle of the night, I checked on horses on picket line. Chance had managed to wrap the lead line around his BACK hoof and had pulled quick release knot so tightly I had to cut it to release him. He was standing frozen in place, thankfully. I wonder if he wasn't going into shock from cold and fear or if he just knew he was hobbled. I always sleep with one eye open or some back of the mind thought to check horses in the middle of the night. They usually look at me like, "why are you shining that bright light in our faces? We're just standin here." But sometimes not and this was one of those times.

WHAT?

stopping for a drink

I'm good for a one dog night...

I can ride both horses bareback again and that's another real big thing to me. Gracie, she's just plain dependable, but Chance has been a challenge. Now, I'm comfortable and we've gained our trust in one another. Riding bareback allows me to connect in a completely different way with my horses. The motion of their muscles, their reactions, their warmth, their power, their stride...their reactions..it's a feeling of being more in tune and rhythm with them, and an ultimate trust and a learning of balance and motion.

After riding yesterday, followed by hot thai chicken pasta and hot chai tea, I went out to rake leaves. Yes, rake. Don't like noisy blowers and it's good exercise, a free gym and a meditative activity. The leaves were twirling down, swaying  like tiny colored boats on waves of air, covering the ground as fast as I could clear them. The raking is repetitive work, stroke, stroke, stroke into piles. Each leaf is different in pattern and color and I become a child wanting to collect and press and save them all. It is akin to chop wood, carry water. And i find it joyful, not a chore.

Today I am hacking as i have been ill and overdid yesterday as it was the first day in many i was well enough to have the energy to get out of the house...and so I rode and raked and loved the day.

Today I can rest...for awhile. Then I must live!

it's grand to be alive...and partially well at least.

Me Time..

I find I cannot live without my own time to myself to do whatever I please, without having to engage with anyone or deal with anyone else's issues or be obligated. Just time to be quiet or ride my horse through the woods and listen to nature. The wind speaks through the trees. The horses whinny back and forth. The birds have calls I can distinguish one from another. The fox are stealthy. The deer are day sleeping in to escape the heat. I ride and then shower and then read and then cook and then nap sometimes or garden or write or whatever I please. I like being on my own. I get irritable when I have company too often or for too long. I want them to go home and take their little dog too. My puppy needs her time right now without interference or other dogs around to distract. Bringing a dog over to visit and for a "play date" is one thing. Bringing a dog over for two days and nights and a dog who shits on the floor is another. Get out.

It's hot and I'm irritable and glad to be here on my own right now. I need to rethink some things. Why do relationships have to get so complicated? Why can't it just be fun and not so serious. I mean, really!

We're grown....and we have lives of our own and do NOT have to be attached at the hip all the time.

Phew. Glad I got that out.

Teaching and learning naturally

Rodeo continues to learn through every moment, ever present and intent. The teaching is playful, sometimes stern but only in tone of voice and well understood. I introduce her to new things. Fetch and drop can be distinguished between tug of war. Stay and "it's ok" are familiar and known words. "I see you" said in an uplifting tone gets a tail wagging bouncing pouncing come hither response...and laughter from me. She thrives on attention. She is learning her "house" is not such a bad place though not her favorite. She likes the cold dark of my long bathroom, the cool tile to stretch out on. Still have to crate her now and again though if gone riding or for an extended amount of time. Don't yet trust her with cords, though she's learning plants and cords and such are a definite "NO", to which she immediately responds with ears back and tail down and ok then!

She's a joy. She lays in the yard while I pull weeds though is still too timid to follow to mailbox at end of drive..which is a good thing. Cars and street.

Teaching to me is joyful, easy, and natural. It is the same with children. Set boundaries. Be consistent. Be loving and attentive,. Pay attention. Establish trust and relationship. Take the time. Learn and teach seamlessly.

Anyways, it's good fun.

Mostly she brings laughter and love every day...and who doesn't need that?

Puppies and summer storms

So, I finally got my puppy, Rodeo, an English Shepherd, named by 3 year old little girl, Adela Rose. She is the smartest dog I've ever owned and I've owned dogs since I left home at 16. They've all been great dogs, but this one is sooo bright....she's only been here 3 days and knows come, sit, stay, kennel up, more. And she has puppy breath and soft, soft fur and kisses.

I've also had the pleasure of teaching 3 little girls to ride in the last few weeks. They all can now steer and ride bareback on their own....at a trot. Their faces? Priceless. My joy, insurmountable. Never able to have my own children. Love children and animals most of all. The sheer essence of them is pure joy...and wide eyes.

It makes me so happy to be alive.

Tornadoes and storms have been ripping through the area. It's a crap shoot nearly every day. But so far, so good. Like storms if they don't turn to tornadoes. Afterall, who needs tornadoes???

Nothin else really matters..I've been getting things done around here and teaching my pup and just livin and loving. That's what matters.

Spillage

Deleted last posting. Simply spillage over the edges and too raw and private. Things are good. As good as it gets I think. Get my new pup, Rodeo tomorrow. English Shepherd. Looking forward to training. Lots of work but rewarding and dogs are great companions. Smoking less...near to quitting. Time will come.

Summertime. Wish I could garden but hand won't allow.

Fun with kids and horses and this and that.

I Like Living

So, went to Mayo Clinic and had a whole battery of tests done and they say I'm in EXCELLENT health exccept for smoking which will imminently and quickly lead to heart attack if I don't stop. No wiggle room, says the doc. So, I have on a patch and am quitting. I'm determined this time. I want to smoke but I don't want to die young, so there you go. Still, it's very annoying at the moment. Am sequestered until I get over the intial anger, frustration, denial, temptations, etc. Gack.

Otherwise, life is good. Mom and I have become The Bickersons. Staying with her in a hotel room for 4 days was well, a bit trying though we laughed about it at the end of the day. She has some major issues, which one does at 80. She's really pretty good but that's not her attitude nor perception of it. I just listen and take deep breaths. She gives me LOTS of advice...well intentioned but as if I was born a couple hours ago.

Went to go riding today and as soon as I got there it started pouring rain. 10 minutes after I got all the way back home, it stopped. Of course it did.

I'm irritable and am going to take a nap now.

It will pass.

Going to Arizona to meet with friends in the fall..to my favorite Apache Lake.

Something to look forward to.

Anybody out there??
Besides hackers?